Supporting a Friend or Co-Worker Suffering From Stress

Lyra couldn't help but notice the change in Cassie. Her friend had always been cheerful and chatty, but lately she had become snappy and dismissive.

Cassie was always the first to arrive at work, and among the last to leave. But then she started coming into work later and later, and was often in a rush to leave at the end of the day, too.

Lyra was worried. She wanted to help, but just didn't know what to do. So she kept quiet. Eventually, her relationship with her friend all but disappeared and, after a few months, Cassie handed in her notice and left.

Cassie was suffering from stress, something that's all too common in modern, high-demand workplaces. If Lyra had recognized this, and known how to support her, she might have been able to help, and to preserve their friendship.

In this article, you can learn how to identify stress in others, and explore a five-step strategy for tactfully offering your support, without becoming overburdened yourself.

How to Identify Stress in Others

Stress   is what happens when the demands placed on someone exceed what they can readily cope with.

While a certain amount of pressure is a part of everyday life, and can actually help people to perform better   , too much pressure can cause stress to build.

Even if your organization has a policy on mental health and an active HR manager or team, it's most likely a friend or co-worker who'll be the first person to notice a change in someone's behavior that could indicate stress.

Here are a few examples of unusual behaviors that could be signs of stress:

• Snapping at colleagues.
• Losing concentration.
• Putting off decisions.
• Restlessness.
• Emotional volatility.
• Anxiety.
• Erratic behavior.

Why Giving Support Matters

Even when you know that someone is suffering from stress, it can be difficult to broach the subject. You might be scared of causing offense, making it worse, or causing the other person to become angry   or emotional   .

But offering your support can be a crucial first step in battling the often serious mental and physical problems caused by excessive stress, such as burnout   , depression, sleeplessness, fatigue, and even heart disease.

The problems caused by stress can also go beyond the individual who is suffering. It can begin to impact their performance at work, forcing others to "pick up the slack," and relationships to break down.

Your support can help to the ease the impact of these "side effects" and to keep team relationships strong.

How to Support a Stressed Co-Worker

In this section, we explore five ways you can offer practical and emotional support to a colleague who is suffering from stress:

1. Establish a Connection

If you suspect that someone is experiencing stress, find a quiet moment to ask them how they're doing.

It may take a bit of courage to approach them at first, particularly if they're frequently angry or upset. So, be cautious. Talk to them in private, and be tactful   and sensitive.

Start the conversation with a neutral question that encourages them to open up. For example, "I've noticed that you don't seem quite yourself lately. Are you OK? Can I help?"

They may not want to talk, in which case you'll need to respect their privacy. Though you can still let them know that you're there if they ever do want to chat.

If they do open up, use your emotional intelligence   , and listen to their answer empathically   and without judgment. This will show them that you're engaged and that you care. Sometimes, just knowing that someone is listening can go a long way toward easing the burden of stress.

2. Get to the Root of the Problem

Stress can be triggered by a number of different things. It might spike at regular intervals (when preparing monthly reports, say, or meeting mortgage payments), be continuous (a difficult relationship at work or at home), or be a one-off (coping with a bereavement or a personal loss   ).

The support that you give to your friend or co-worker will depend on what the problem is. So, try to get to the root of it by asking open questions   that encourage them to talk about their feelings, and what triggered them.

In a work environment, problems usually stem from one of three sources:

• Workload: they simply has more work to do than they can cope with.
• Competency: they feel that they don't have the skills that they need to successfully carry out their job.
• Relationships: they feel that a colleague is being aggressive, unhelpful or hostile.

3. Suggest Practical Ways Forward

If the root of your co-worker's stress does fall into once of the three sources above, use these strategies to offer some practical solutions:

Workload

People with challenging workloads often struggle because they're unable to see an end to what they have to do. What's more, stress can cause people to become even more disorganized and confused, and the whole cycle begins again.

Start by helping your co-worker to get organized. First, sit down with them and draw up a To-Do List   . Then assign a number to each task, based on its priority   . If they have any large, time-consuming jobs that they find overwhelming, try breaking them down into manageable chunks. This will make it easier for them to achieve "quick wins   ."

If there are any low-priority tasks on the list, you could offer to help out – if you have the capacity – or suggest delegating the work to someone else on the team.

Competency

When someone feels "out of their depth" at work, it can be seriously debilitating and demoralizing, even when it's not true.

Remind them of similar tasks that they've performed well in the past, or of other areas where they have excelled or helped other team members. If there is a genuine skills gap, suggest that they talk to their manager about training   or mentoring   .

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Relationships

Difficult relationships often cause stress to spike. Whether it's a bullying manager, an awkward client, or a sarcastic co-worker, most of us can think of someone who sends our blood pressure pumping   .

Listen carefully to what your co-worker is experiencing, and see whether you can offer a different perspective. Don't take sides, as this could inflame the situation. But see if you can "reframe" the behavior of the other person, especially if you think that your friend has misconstrued things.

However, if the behavior is unacceptable (for instance, if your colleague is being bullied, harassed, or treated unfairly), encourage them to be assertive   , and to seek help from their line manager or from HR.

4. Offer Friendship

You can't always unpick someone else's problems – and trying to do so may even end up causing you stress, too. But you can still be kind and supportive.

Make your co-worker a coffee   now and again, and make sure that they know that you're always available as a "sounding board."

If the problem is severe and persistent, encourage them to contact your organization's employee assistance program, if it has one, which may be able to provide professional help. Alternatively, point them in the direction of external support networks, charities or advice lines.

5. Know When to Back Off

Your support will likely ease the burden of stress that your friend is feeling, but remember that your own reserves of time, capacity, capability, and even patience are finite, too.

There will only be so much that you can listen to, think about, and advise on without feeling overloaded by it all. You may find that it starts to drag you down, eventually. It might even drive a wedge between you and your co-worker, if you're not careful.

You want the best possible outcome for your co-worker, but this mustn't come at the expense of your own well-being.

Research shows that stress can have a "ripple effect" on the people that are close to the sufferer. Take a look at our article, Heron's Six Categories of Intervention   , for tips on how to help people through stress more effectively if this happens.